And now,Yoga 🕉️

This article is for all those people who believe in change and how Beautiful it is when you actually choose to live the life you want to ✨

Have you ever been trolled?

&

How bad is it to end up having no people for you?

On one of my lonely nights, these are the questions i had no answers for, I used to go through all my contact list to search for one unbaised person.

It might be my own mental problem to think that way, Or maybe I never chose right people in my life. 

But let me tell you how I started to feel/see things now,

For that lets have a quick flash from the past.

Growing up skinny was something I always thought was a curse. I was born as a super healthy kid says mum, but as I grew older , my body became smaller and smaller. People and my family thought I was going through an eating disorder. My relatives who flew from abroad used to get me protein powders at the age of 10 while all my cousin's got some fancy Hershey's chocolates. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I too thought I was abnormal. I always hated the way I looked. I couldn't wear clothes like every other girl did. As I grew up even more, I noticed all girls around my school looked had started to grow and look more like a woman, while I felt like I looked like a tall little boy. I used to wear two pairs of jeans to make my legs look fuller, and I was totally obsessed with the sweatshirts because they did a great job hiding my body.

It's very hard for a growing girl to get bullying from her friends and family. 

Couple of years later,  I was secondarily not considered as a girl by my girlfriends or my guy friends. People started to call me a tomboy. Dude I'm a girl and I feel the same like other girls? I always wanted to shout on their faces

But I was afraid as a teenager, I would loose people around me.

I'm judged when I wear a saree, I'm judged when I wear a skinny jeans, I'm also judged when I wear a loose tee.

I always felt staying home and hiding away from the real world was so comfortable.

I fell for wrong guys; Cos I wanted some kind of attention. It was like "just be good to me and give me some attention"; and over I start sharing all my life.

That's where , I started to trust people and fell in a wrong world which ain't mine.

By the time I started realising it was too late and in return all I had was panic attacks with alot of anxiety problem and depression.

I never knew how depression or anxiety feels like before, I always thought it's something like a mood swing, which just stays in your head for a day or so, and I'll be fine once I wakeup.

But as days passed by ;

I ignored taking calls from closed ones, and even if I did It was either an argument or a fight.

Going to a grocery store was also a tough task.

Having a eye contact with someone was another level.

I hated to look at myself, for weeks trust me I didn't use a mirror. 

In the whole world all I felt was, My room and my bed was a breathable place ; But how long would that be?

I figured out the problem is with and within me. At first I saw a therapist, which didn't work for me.

I tried to explain my condition to my mum, but she thought it's all in my mind, she suggested me to go work so that I wouldn't feel the way I was feeling.

Figuring out what I was going through and accepting that ain't easy for me.

I just wanted to go so far and just BREATHE, cos all I was feeling was a lot of pain stuck in my chest and too much shit in my head.

That's where I gave a shot to go on a trip, first couple of days were hard, I made my hotel as my bedroom didn't go out, all I did was just ordered food ate and slept, but slowly I dragged myself out started to talk again, go try some of my favourite food and I started to learn hoola-hoop. By which my body started to move, I started to smile again.

Meeting new people and talking to people again kindoff  made me feel good for a while, but I knew I was ill, 

Since then, I wanted to go somewhere and learn something which would transform me into a better wellbeing, I did a lot of research signed up for too many courses with a lot of confusion and  zero clarity, all I wanted to was travel for couple of months and also learn a course parallely.

But I started to journal how I was feeling,

I wasn't peaceful, then my previous trip to Rishikesh( Birthplace of Yoga) hit me so hard that,I signed up for a teacher training course in a school from Rishikesh, as I did some basic beginner course before.

It was in mid-December. The first task for me was to travel all the way to Rishikesh, with no panic attacks in between.

Second , to survive in freezing cold weather. 

Third, to complete the course, no matter what.

So yeah,

The course was for three weeks approx, the first couple of days I didn't feel like a yoga school , more I felt like a rehab. ( Don't ask me why!)

And as days passed by,

I slowly managed to attend the classes, started to talk to my mates, started to move my body, feel my breath, That was the only time in my past 25years of my life, I felt like I WAS LIVING, FEELING THINGS (started to feel myself again! )

So coming to the course part, my day starts with

Morning cleansing ; Mantra chanting ; Yoga practices ; Meditation ; Human anatomy classes to Yoga philosophy ; We also had yoga nidra twice a week and 

Satsang nights post dinner, we were a group of 15 students, Each person have to share their story.

Every night listening to each of their personal stories got me more and more stronger.

If you guys are reading this let me tell you, Each one of you personally inspired me, You guys are a fortune power pack to me 💪

Trust me, It was so tough in the beginning, I skipped so many hours cos one day I was afraid to face my classmates, other day I was afraid face my guru.

But slowly I started to understand, learn about my own innerself.

How beautiful my BODY worked. How beautiful it was to feel for every breath I'm living.

There was this one Meditation class, I found a cure for my problem.

That is where I felt a settlement and realised a fulfilment.

 It felt like it's just me. My ownself , I've never felt like this before.

I slowly started to channelize everything.

How bad my body, my mind and my spirit were in a fight all these years, with no alignment.

And my life changed to, and now yoga..

I didn't know the right meaning of beautiful untill then.

Now, you can't hurt me,you can still judge me and my body if that makes you happy, but remember you always see me raise like Sun. Strong and healthy.

I still loose control sometimes, but this time I choose to loose, it's like it makes me feel good to be sad on some days (because I choose to)

I work with an alignment now. 🧘

Just go choose what makes you happy and have a blissful life guys.

We only live once. Why don't we live and let live fully? !

Pro tip which worked for me,

Do anything with your heart and full of consciousness, This will transform your life. 

And remember,

"If you want to be well, you don't have to seek heaven's help, just turn inward and fix it"

                             And now yoga..