A secret I spilled to myself one night
I whispered to myself,
“I want to do nothing,
I don’t find any point in what I am doing.
There’s so much in myself that I want to discover.
There’s so much pain in me to heal.
There’s so much to life to be lived.”
Sometimes in life, you lose touch with yourself. Running the race, you aren’t made for and living a reality that isn’t meant for you. My life came to one such point in the mid-2019 and I felt lost like never before.
I had lost touch with my inner peace, creativity, ability to form connection with others and my dreamy side. I quit the job that I wasn’t happy in. This phase of life made me question why am I here and what is it that I’m meant to do?
The good news is it’s never too late in life to start over. I took a break of 2 months to align things in my life. Living in mountains, pursuing yoga, and writing more and more felt like the right start.
I went to Bhagsu village in Himachal Pradesh that’ s right between Mcleodganj and Dharamkot. I decided to pursue the things that brought fulfillment to my soul in this break.
My style of travelling is a bit of research about the destination to get an idea and discovering the rest spontaneously without booking stay and deciding itinerary beforehand.
The goal of this trip was healing and self-discovery. I didn’t wish to decide a single day of my trip. I surrendered to Universe for what comes in and relied on my intuition to make decisions.
Things I did in Himalayas to heal myself:
1. Hiking:
The first thing I did was discover endless trails around and in the mountains. It might sound dreamy today but it wasn’t back then. I was frustrated, I just walked towards whatever path I felt like. I wouldn’t know what’s to come and where I’d arrive but the end was always worth. I found myself in someone’s farm, some isolated farmhouse or homestay, end of valley, hidden streams, and sometimes a barren flat land with no ends and no soul around. I screamed in valleys, cried sleeping on grass and talked out everything I couldn’t say before to myself and to people imagining them in front of me. I would sit down whenever tired and walk again. I would hardly feel my legs hurting or my body getting tired. I would return home by night and it calmed my anxiety, frustration and anger somehow.
The idea of having whole day by yourself with nobody by your side, no network so people can’t reach you, throwing yourself into unknown situation knowing that anything could have happened and not planning a day or following a routine, instead spending day watching little wonders of nature and chasing the curiosity made my problems feel little in my head. It filled me with a sense of confidence and a safe space in self. It shifted my mindset.
2. Art & Artists
I bought a cam before trip to exercise my creativity. I have always loved getting clicked. This time I was going to try self-timer shots and with every shoot day, I was super proud and surprised on getting good shots.
Writing has existed with me since childhood. Every hike, every mountain, every street, every person, basically everything I encountered and experienced filled me with poetries. I wrote endlessly posting it on Instagram stories majorly.
Each evening I would explore a new café or go to the cafes I called home to fill endless pages of my diary. I have had habit of journaling since childhood and the habit got intensified during this time. I was processing a lot of past emotions and current lessons each day.
I attended a lot of art events including Osho Jain’s concert at Illiterati café, folk nights at Welcome café and many music and open mic events. I connected and spent time with a lot of artists which inspired me to enhance my art practice: writing.
3. Yoga Teacher Training
I joined yoga course at Chinmay School in Bhagsu. Yoga has been a medium of spiritual awakening for me.
Connecting back to yoga and dedicating considerable time to it, brought me back to a healthier state of mind, body and soul. I got certified as a yoga teacher after a month and even practiced teaching yoga.
I discovered that definition of yoga isn’t limited to some asanas. Yoga is beyond it. It is the science of life. It can be practiced in everything that we do in life, breathing, eating, cleansing, thinking, exercising, the way we see and behave with others, this world and even ourselves.
Practicing yoga in the Himalayas is one soulful experience. I spent hours in the balcony thinking about life and listening to my favorite music. I journaled my thoughts and feelings. I felt very little Infront of the vastness of yoga I experienced in the lush green Himalayan forests. It liberated me in a beautiful way.
I felt the energy of Himalayas that carries history of transformation of so many lives. I felt the holiness of the ground, freshness in the air and firmness in me. That’s what Himalayas do to you. They hold you, love you, transform you and stay with you as a forever feeling in your heart.
Best memory was getting introduced to Ecstatic Dance which set me free, literally.
4. Owning a Home in Mountains
Since childhood, I had a dream of owning a home in mountains. I rented a lovely homestay. I made my own little routine around that home living the fantasy that I finally had a home by myself in mountains.
I brought groceries from the only grocery shop in the village. I used to buy vegetables and fruits from the shop nearby that had limited supply due to altitude of the place. I cooked my own meal 3 times a day and ate out once in a while. I cleaned the place and made bed. I woke up each morning doing a little yoga and stretching.
It was rainy season and it would rain most of the time so I mostly stayed indoors, writing poems in my little balcony. I spent a lot of time in balcony. The view was amazing and I liked talking to myself like some retard I seemed to my neighbors. I danced, sang my favorite songs aloud and jumped around the house like my childhood was back.
Most of the day, I did nothing. I mean literally nothing. Just sitting or lying on bed, dreaming or imagining. Sitting in balcony sometimes talking to myself aloud and allowing myself to feel what I was feeling reliving some past events. I cried, smiled and laughed. I documented my experience on camera.
This experience felt like I had boycotted the world and had a place by myself in clouds in some corner of the world. It was a perfect dream, a fantasy that healed me, strongly helped me be myself.
5. Connecting with People
I had been a very social person in past who could connect to anyone and everyone but since sometime, it had been a struggle to be able to talk to strangers and form new connections. Life felt empty and I definitely needed to socialize more.
There were many cafes that hosted parties and live music sessions. I had rediscovered the occasional party animal in me.
During the yoga course, I made some genuine and heartfelt connections with people who crossed my paths. Though being from different countries, we’d become one family. We shared our hearts, minds and deep philosophies of our lives. We exchanged information about our culture, food and economies. So much mind opening and new information was flowing through out our connection.
We knew each other in and out along with our difficult stories, struggles in life and provided unconditional support. We ate together, hiked together, cried together, comforted each other and laughed our lungs out. Bidding goodbye was one emotionally tough moment for all of us.
I made many other friends during the trip and I was finally happy about discovering the ability to form genuine connections open heartedly with all the lives that crossed my path.
All the things I lived and pursued filled me with joy and inner contentment. I got drenched in the rain, dancing my heart out like a kid. I hiked offbeat treks. I invaded into Himalayan farms to give myself a motivating speech with the newly found sense of self. I danced on the rocks upon discovering some hidden gems with no soul miles around.
At the end of the trip, I was a changed person. I thanked Himalayas. I realized you are your biggest investment and nothing in this world can take away your experiences from you.
I learnt that money, job, relationships, routine life, expectations of your parents & society does stand its importance but not on the cost of your contentment with life.
There’s nothing more painful than losing yourself to these things. Imagine meeting yourself in the mirror or shadow someday and not recognising you.
When I did that, I was terrified of living a life that’s not my own. I promised myself the other way. I promised myself to be my home first than finding temporary homes in other people and places.
The duration of life is uncertain and unpredictable enough to not waste it living away from yourself and your callings. Your inner contentment, relationship with self & universe is all that matters at the end.
